


Suddenly Someone Means More

by Fleetwoodinflames



Series: We Write Our Own Story [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Requited Love, To Be Continued
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 08:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3168080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fleetwoodinflames/pseuds/Fleetwoodinflames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, a man needs someone as strong as he is, maybe just a little stronger to pick up the pieces and press them together again.  Sometimes he needs someone who can bodily pick him up off the floor and set him to right again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Suddenly Someone Means More

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NurseDarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NurseDarry/gifts).



> Little bit of relationship building as requested. Love is the force that binds the universe and Spock is practically Yoda; he gets it.
> 
> I don't own these wonderful characters.

Sometimes, a man needs someone as strong as he is, maybe just a little stronger to pick up the pieces and press them together again.  Sometimes he needs someone who can bodily pick him up off the floor and set him to right again.

**Betazed – Five Months Earlier**

Khan was recovering still, and well with the other Augments, but he still experienced mood swings, night terrors, not unexpected under his unique circumstances. The Federation gave the 72 a choice.  Stay on Betazed while Khan continues empathic treatment or go to Earth to begin their integration.  They’d wait for their leader no matter how long it took. They weren’t the only ones.  Kirk would stay.

Today wasn’t one of Khan’s better days.

“Why are you still here, Kirk – feeding you savior complex?”

“And we were having such a nice visit, Khan.  I’m…I’m exactly what you said; I’m hiding.”

“You’re telling me you’re not trying to mend a broken toy for your own use?  I was Marcus’s broken toy; used up and tossed aside when I ceased to be of value.  I will not be yours.”

The beatings of his childhood did not hurt as bad as those words; the hunger pains he grew up with, did not stab as sharply as those words.  Khan almost regretted them, but he wanted to strike out, he wanted to hurt someone.  Maybe he thought Kirk was safe, and perhaps he was.  But it didn’t make those words hurt any less.

“Khan…” His eyes flooded, and his voice dropped to a mere whisper. “Is that what you think of me?  Is that what you think I want from you – to take from you?  To…” He wanted his words harsh; he needed this point driven home, and he wanted the Augment to regret what he’d said.  This was important.  “To manipulate you, rape you?  To fuck you and humiliate you.  They’d never let me live; I wouldn’t want to!”

Tears that flooded now fell and Kirk went to his knees in front of the Augment.  And Khan did regret it. “Jim, what are you doing?  Jim, get up.”

“No, I’m being non-threatening, what’s it look like?”

“Jim, stop.”

 “No.” and the Captain bowed his head in front of the Augment.

Khan tentatively combed his fingers through the captain’s hair. “I am sorry; I lashed out.  You are not like him.”

“Damn right.” Kirk looked up at him through wet lashes and tilted into the touch just a bit. “I could get it anywhere, you know.”

“Hmmm, but you haven’t – gotten it anywhere.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’ve been with me for two months.  I thought you were a genius, Captain.  So tell me now, why are you still here?”

They’ve danced around that question a while.  Khan has allowed him to dance around the question, but now it seemed important.

“I’m hiding.” He took a deep breath.  Khan deserved this. He spent so long in the Augment’s head; Khan deserved to see inside his.  “I’m hiding from my crew, because all I can see are those that aren’t there anymore, the ones I was responsible for, and I lost."

“Kirk, I…I killed them though.  How can you be responsible?”

“NO!  No, you didn’t.  Marcus murdered them.  Marcus was going to kill them, all of us, you. He played every one of us.  We were all pawns.  So don’t ever tell me you killed my crew.  Starfleet killed them; Marcus killed them.  But, I wasn’t strong enough.  I wasn’t enough to save them.  So I’m hiding from them, I’m hiding from the ones that are still alive.  I’m hiding from Starfleet."  He huffed and pressed his palms into his eyes.  "I’m angry Khan.  God, I’m so fucking angry, and I don’t know how to stop.”

Khan kept his hands in the Captain's hair, stroking.  He remained standing, and Kirk wrapped his arms around the thighs on the Augment and let his forehead rest on him. “How do I stop being angry, Khan.”

“Oh, captain, you are most certainly asking the wrong man.”

Kirk craned his neck to look him in the eyes. “I think I’m asking exactly the right man,” he said with the ghost of a smile that didn’t reach his still sad eyes.  And right then Khan was flooded with affection for the young man who stayed – no matter the reason.  And quite unceremoniously, Kirk was bodily lifted from his knees and caught in a surprising embrace he happily returned.

They stayed on Betazed a bit longer; Khan in his genius and wisdom convinced Kirk to deal with his anger and guilt with him with the help of the empathy species.  And the 74 returned to Earth, together.

**4 Months Earlier**

The Augments were making their way with the help of their compensation and Federation’s careful integration.  Attention was paid to every detail; new opportunities opened to them.  They forged lives; they even forged love.  They made love, if Ensign Chekov’s bowlegged walk and Kati’s uncharacteristic shit-eating grin is anything to go by.  Kirk did not want to imagine what that must be like.

They were growing; they all were.  But still, for all the enhancements, Khan had the emotional intelligence of a child.  He was damaged in a way the others were not prior to their waking and so his journey back to health was longer.  His crew, his family, did not fault him for it.  He led them to safety; he did everything that he’d promised them at great cost to himself, and they knew it and loved him all the more for it.  They stayed together, all 73, and they sought his advice and counsel, his comfort.  He was their leader, and he was…Well, he was theirs.

And Kirk stopped hiding; in fact, he was quite easy to find and so was Khan.  Often they were in the company of each other as time allowed and when they weren’t it was because Jim was encouraging a curious thing.  Well, the men involved thought it was curious.  Logical, but curious all the same.  Kirk was actively pushing for Spock and Khan to be together, to work it out, to at least an uneasy acquaintance.  So they did through games of logic and tactics.  Eventually, even through strength.  As their relationship developed, so did their trust.  They ran, and they sparred.  The Vulcan was even welcome to do so with the rest of the 72.  Ensign Chekov often watched.  He got enough of that at home.

Spock for all he ignored emotional intelligence, was not ignorant of it.  He was half-human with a human fiancée.  But he didn’t give anything away until he deemed the information necessary.  He knew his captain and he knew the information was now, necessary.

“Khan.”

“Mr. Spock, welcome.  Please come in.”

“Thank you, Khan.”

“Spock, this is not our regular time or place for meeting.  I am curious.”

“Khan.  It is my understanding that subjects of some delicacy are best handled by humans with a little…”  And with that Spock held up a pearlescent green liquid and two large bags of…That definitely smelled like garam masala.  If they could bond over anything, it was their love of logic and food and Jim’s lack of…Well, both.

“I doubt that, will have any effect, but I will enjoy it nonetheless, I am sure.”

“Good, shall we then?”

They tucked into their meals.

“Spock, it is not like you to hesitate.”

“No, it is not, however, the subject is quite delicate, I believe is the term.  I am here because logically it is important that you learn more about the captain as our, as your relationship – your friendship grows.  You are aware of the bond he and I share.  Our bond of brotherhood.  He is my brother, and I am his.  It is a bond we share beyond blood, unhindered by species' differences.  It is a love of brothers as best this language can explain, though the one word is – inadequate to describe the it's nuances.”

“I understand the concept of t’hyla as Jim has explained to me, yes.”

“Khan.”

“Spock, I believe… I mean that I’d like it if – if you would please call me Noonien.  I have asked this of Jim in an effort to embrace this new life I’ve been given.  You are his brother.  Would you do that for me?”

“I would be honored; I am honored that you wish me to take part in this new life of yours, of your people.”

“Thank you, Spock.  Now please, continue.”

Spock took a deep draught before continuing; he set his glass down and steepled his fingers.  “Noonien, the captain is – unique among men as I have met them.  You are aware of his past, of his family, of Tarsus IV.”

Khan felt his face flush, and it had nothing to do with the drink.  Though he had a better handle on his anger, he couldn’t help but feel his temperature rise at the thought of Kirk’s pain.  “I am aware, Mr. Spock.”  He couldn’t help but lapse into formality as a defense mechanism.

“Yes, well while the normal human response is to build mental defenses against further pain – the captain did not.  Perhaps it is that – savior complex as you have called it.  He saved many lives on Tarsus IV, but those he could not, illogical as it may be, still affect him.  He feels it necessary to ensure those he loves are safe in his care.  He considers it necessary to ensure that those in his care know they are loved.  He does not wish any around him to experience the pain he has experienced.  His pain - his fear is apathy.  Being cast aside, ignored, or worse, disposable.”

“That explains much about him.”

“The captain loves you.”

At that the augmented gag reflex failed him, and he choked on his Chana Masala.  When he recovered, he forced out an, “I see.  And I am glad for his friendship, he has saved my life.  He continues to teach me about…Abut myself and being – human.”

“I understand Noonien.  He has a tendency to do that, whether the gesture is welcomed at the time or not.  But I do not think you understand.”

“Really.” Khan leaned back into the sofa and threaded his fingers behind his head.  “Well please, friend, enlighten me.”

“You do not see it.  Well, perhaps not.  I am and always will be his friend.  I am his brother.  But our friendship, yours and mine is of utmost importance to him.  He wants you 'wanted' by those he cares about, not ignored or disposed of.  He went to you as the Federation asked, but then when even he would see that his obligation had been fulfilled, of which he logically had none, he stayed.  He did not come back to Earth for his ship or me or his crew.  I understand his anger and guilt, but neither would have kept him from the Enterprise.  You did.  I can only conclude then that Jim loves you – as much as any of us, and then more.”

“Spock, I…  I don’t know that I have that.”

“Change is the essential process of all existence.  You have, and it has been my pleasure to watch – to be a part of the discovery and growth of you and your people.”

“Your pleasure?  That is an odd way to describe our evolving relationship Spock.”

“Curiosity.  It is what makes me.  It is an essential part of my humanity.  It took me from my home and brought me here.  Curiosity brought me to my t’hyla, my brother, and my brother chose to save and to love you.  That has changed you.  That has changed me.  It would be illogical, inconsistent to state that I have not derived pleasure from your, journey as it were.”  Spock stopped and let his words sink in.  “Though you say that you do not have that, Noonien, I have learned that the Captain has taught you and me that we do not know the end of ourselves.  He inspires, more – does he not, Noonien?”

“That he does, Spock.”


	2. Catching Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been along time since Noonien could be sure of himself. So far Kirk has been the rock and the sure one. Time to switch it up and give Noonien the strength we all know he has.
> 
> Sometimes a man needs to looks behind him, to see what is right in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Ache  
> Artist: James Carrington  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQsEytN1nwM

**Isn't it strange the way things can change**

**Life that you lead turned on its head**

“ _Spock, I…  I don’t know that I have that._ ”

Khan left Spock’s apartment late in the evening and went home.  A rare night as he could usually be found in the company of the captain until late into the night or early hours of the morning.  Both men got or needed little sleep.  But tonight, Khan needed… He didn’t know, exactly.  He needed, time maybe?  He hadn’t let himself go in a long, long time. 

So he did. He changed his clothes, drank just enough to quench what thirst might be, locked the small apartment, and ran.  He didn’t know where he was running to, and not even quite sure why.  He just let his legs take him.

Sometimes there was pavement under his feet, sometimes gravel, other times grass, and then sand.  Sand under his feet and salt stinging his eyes.  It was salt, wasn’t it? Just salt.

_"I don’t have that."_

Those were his words, but were they true anymore - now?

_“Change is the essential process of all existence.”_

Spock was right, that much he knew.  He trusted Spock to be right.  Spock’s _right_ is a surety, a constant when he and his mind seemed constantly in a state of flux.

But that flux was his change, and however painful, that change was for the better.  He knew that much.  And he knew his change hadn't happened in a vacuum.  His change came from a catalyst.  An insistent, persistant, optimistic, stubborn catalyst - and greater a friend than he ever thought he deserved.

He tried in vain to rub the salt from his eyes, and ended up making the sting worse.

If he has changed, does he have that, then?

And if he did – and that was a big if.  Can he have that?  Should he?

It’s not just him who’s changed, it’s the world.  It’s … And here is where his thoughts didn’t want to go.  Them.  He’s loved them, protected them, hurt and been hurt for them.  And he’d do it again, and again. 

But they didn’t need him to do it for them anymore.  He was still their leader, or so they treated him.  They loved him, revered him, and sought his counsel even still.  But they didn’t need him to lead anymore.  They did not have to love him and they did not need to seek his counsel.  They did, but they did not have to.  He knew it, and if he did, so did they.

And so perhaps that change was essential to them - to their existence as a people.

And the salt became wet.  His legs slowed ‘til they stopped and he dropped to his knees.  He braced himself on his arms and watched the tears drop to the sand.   
  
They didn’t need him to lead, but if not a leader, than what was he?  If not his people, then who were they.  All seemed to be leading – moving onto lives of their own, apart from him.  They indulged their talents and found a place in this world.  The found a place apart from their family, recreating family and relationships for themselves.  He thought of Kati and Chekov and smiled.

Without the fight, they saw each other, and others – differently.  How could they do it so easily?

Could he?  Could he be, just a scientist – just an engineer?  Just?

More tears fell for ‘just’.  And tears fell for what he knew was lost.  Khan was lost and now was as good a time to mourn him.  But it wasn't Khan's time anymore.  It was Noonien's.

He wasn’t quite sure who Noonien was yet.  He was still learning.  But Noonien had what Khan never did – choice.

**Suddenly someone means more than you felt for  
House and its yard turns into home**

And now, Noonien chose his relationships; he chose Earth, San Francisco as his home.  He was laying roots. They all were, and he was happy for them all.

Before, Khan did what he had to do, had only what he needed, and just barely at that. 

Noonien can do what he wants; he can have his wants. Oh God, he could have.  He shook with the thought, collapsed and rolled to his back.  He didn’t know how long he lay on the sand, but waves licked his feet now; the tide had come in. 

_“I have learned that the Captain has taught you and me that we do not know the end of ourselves.”_

And just then, he wanted to know.  
  
He wanted to know who he was, what he could do.  He wanted to know that he was enough  - that he wouldn’t ever find the end.  Not for lack of trying anymore.

And then he wanted to know what he could have…

Suddenly, he needed to know who he could have – if he could have. _Him._

Light peaked over the horizon.

**Sorry but I meant to say many things along the way  
This one's for you**

And the sea pooled under him before he finally stood

He didn’t know the end of himself, but he didn’t think he tried hard enough to find out. James picked him up.  James taught him that there was more to him.  James’ actions and his words made him more.  And now it was his time to walk on his own.   

It was time for him to say the things that needed to be said.  This time and this day – for him, for them both.

 **Have I told you I ache**  
**Have I told you I ache**  
**Have I told you I ache, for you?**

 “ _Jim loves you – as much as any of us, and then more_.”  Spock was constant.

And his heart? It swelled and threatened to burst from his chest.  And he’d stopped running hours ago.  The tears that didn’t spill, threatened to spill again.  Because he loved him; he wanted him.  For just a moment, he mourned the time he’d lost – the time that it took to get here.

Both the realization, and the run.  Because he had to run back – and hell if he knew how far he’d gone.  He broke off his thoughts and ran.

 **The time that it took**  
**Writing words for my book**  
**Seems to have broken off**

 **The gate that I shut**  
**Last time I got hurt**  
**Seems to have opened itself**

When Khan didn’t come, Jim didn’t know what to do with himself.  That was new.  He’d never needed another person to occupy him, and if he wanted company, he could get it.  He could call anyone and go anywhere.  He could surround himself with a ship full of people if he wanted

But he didn’t want _anyone_ and he didn’t want to go anywhere. He just wanted one.

He missed his friend’s company.  But Khan - Noonien wasn’t beholden to him – he didn’t have to check in with Jim.  In fact, the only people beholden to him were the ones required to be so.  And he wasn’t beholden to anyone either, except his ship.

He spent a lifetime ensuring that he wouldn’t ever be.  And he like it that way.

Until tonight.  If anyone could ready for be in a frustrated manner, Jim did.  He undressed angrily, brushed his teeth with a grimace, and nearly tore his sweatpants dressing for bed angrily.

So what the fuck was his problem?

He wanted to know where Noonien was.  And he wanted Noonien to know … To know what?  To know where he was?  He knew and he was welcome.  Hell, he had his own key and passcode.

He wanted Noonien to know…

... He wanted Noonien.

He buried his head in his pillow.  Oh God, that was knew.  He knew he loved him as much as he did any of his crew.  As much as Spock, his Bones… all of them.

But he didn’t want to be with them.  He didn’t need to know where they were, that they were okay, what they were thinking or feeling.

Noonien was well; he made himself into something new – something great.  And Kirk didn’t want to fuck it all up. 

And Kirk didn’t want to hurt.  He’d had enough of that to last a lifetime.

He tossed and turned.  He couldn’t sleep. 

But he woke anyway, so he must have slept.  But there was no amount of replicated coffee that was going to make this day any better.

The door slid shut behind him and he activated the lock.

**Oh the whole world is spinning now**

**It’s trying to catch me up**

**And tell me to appreciate**

**The here and now**

Noonien knew that he’d arrive at an empty apartment.  When he let himself in finally, it was well after noon.  And he was tired, and thirsty.  He’d actually run to near his limit.

Though tired, he felt as though he finally had a handle on things.  Like he could finally see the world clearly, as the rest of the world saw it.

And now he saw something else as he went for a glass of water.

Next to the sink, was the coffee press that Kirk picked up for him knowing he did not like replicator coffee.  Next it was a bag of coffee and a bag of loose tea.

He smiled.  He was past the fear and anticipating now.  How did he not see what Spock saw?

He went to the bathroom for a shower, grabbing a towel on the way.  When he finished, he slung the towel around his hips and grabbed the toothbrush and toothpaste that Kirk keeps for him in the medicine cabinets.  At least half the nights he’s over, he ends up sleeping on the couch or they talk through the night.

He even keeps a kurta and jeans and a set of work clothes in the bureau in Jim’s bedroom. Just for convenience.  He'd changed once into Jim's clothes after a workout.  Jim washed them and kept them and then it just seemed the convenient thing to do.

And he shook his head at his blindness.  Jim loved him, and he very nearly missed it if not for the guidance of a friend.  How did he not see how Jim so seamlessly worked him into his life?  He thought it again as he picked up a paperback crime novel that Jim had bought for him. He does that whenever he sees them – no matter the cost.   Just to keep at his apartment for something to thumb through when they are in a comfortable quiet.  He knows Noonien loves the smell of paper in a book.

It all mattered; it was all important - but not now.  Here and now mattered.

Because the door slid open.

 

**  
**

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. One more chapter to go.


	3. Tell Me Something I Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a man has to learn what he can lose, to know what he can have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive and don't flame me. I dropped the rating and will continue this in a part 3. 'Til then, please enjoy.

**I'm sorry but I meant to say**  
**Many things along the way**  
**This ones for you**  


The captain of the grounded USS Enterprise, of grounded Starfleet, knew the moment he stepped off of the elevator.  He smiled despite the exhaustion and despite the irritability of the day.  He always knew.  The smile was reflex, another thing he could count on when he knew his apartment wasn’t empty.  He’s never paid much attention to the weightless flutter in his stomach accompanied by his knowledge (and he surely never shared this with his friend), but now it felt like a lead weight.  And after last night, he knew why.  But self-awareness came at a price, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to pay.  No matter what, no matter what they had to come out of this okay.  He worked too hard, invested so much – and loved him too much to either hurt him or ruin them.

And he was at his door without knowing how he got there. He looked back at the elevator, there was no getting out of this.  He couldn’t escape to the bar; it was too late to call Bones.  The Augment didn’t have to hear the code in the door to know he was there.  He knew, just like Kirk knew.

And the door slid open with a hiss

And there was the king on his throne.

James hadn’t seen that cock-sure face in a long, long time.  It was beautiful. And it was very frightening.

His friend sat in one of the white living room chairs, slightly slouched and legs splayed open.  His long, pale hands dwarfed a book that Kirk had bought him recently. He was clad in black linen pants, tied and low on his hips and a fitted, soft cotton black tank top.  His hair was barely dry, swept back only by his fingers and just beginning to curl.

With every rise and fall of Khan’s chest – oh, he looked so much like Khan here – he took every molecule of air in the room into him and away from Kirk.  Kirk couldn’t breathe and heat rose from his neck to the top of his head.  And was that a smirk?

His confidence was intoxicating, and Kirk swayed. He finally gathered himself, swallowed.  Khan’s eyes followed his bobbing Adam’s apple. “Missed you, yesterday. Work late?”

“No.  I had some things to work through.  You look like hell, James.”

“Thanks for that. Didn’t sleep.”

“I see that.”

“And did you work those things through?”

“I did.” Noonien stood, and Kirk stepped back.  Didn’t know why he did it; maybe it was the shifting of the large presence in the room – but it wasn’t him and it wasn’t Noonien.

Whatever it was, it had a life of its own.  It was new.  It was heady.  And it was coming to light, whether Kirk was ready or not.

As Noonien stepped toward him, James could see that he obviously didn’t harbor the same fears.  This Noonien wasn’t afraid to change all the good they were now, wasn’t afraid of the life in the room.  He stepped into his personal space – space was never an issue with them, but again – this was new.  The confidence was new, the look in his eyes was…

That’s wrong. This look, this confidence – it was different, but it was not new.  The look, the feel, the confidence was all Khan – all king, but it was without all of the anger, the hate.  So, still Noonien then; a very unafraid Noonien.

“James, I am here.”

“I see that.”

“No, you don’t understand.”  He held up the book.  “I am here.” He pointed to the coffee press. “I am here; my things are here.  My presence is everywhere in this flat.  Why?”

“Is that what you wanted to say? I don’t know what you’re getting at Noonien.  Because, you’re my friend; because it’s convenient.” Kirk truly was confused, he knew what would be said eventually, but he couldn’t tell the road they’d take to get there.

“I see nothing of Spock, of Leonard, of Nyota here.  I only see you and bits of me here. Where else am I?”

“What do you mean?”

And the Augment came closer.  He put his large hand on James’ shoulder so that his thumb brushed the other man’s neck. He tapped James’ chest over his heart then laid his hand on it.  In Khan’s head, A small voice prayed to any god that the Vulcan was right. “Am I here, James?”

Damn, he sounded like he’d practiced this – maybe he had. He didn’t seem to be wasting any time getting to the point. But he wielded the power in the room now. James swallowed again, and Noonien brushed his thumb over the bobbing muscle in Kirk’s throat.  If Khan would go for the jugular, so would he. No holding back. “Of course you are.”

“Tell me.”

Kirk backed away now, determined to even out the balance of power in the room. “Tell you what, Noonien? I don’t want to dance anymore.” He was sure it would be the last time he’d ever say those words to this man; sure it would be the last time he’d ever back away from him. So he made the most of it – to make sure he got this right. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You are here.  I want you always to be here.  He stopped and gathered himself.  “In ten years, I can imagine going years without seeing Spock, Bones, Nyota.  I can imagine them with kids, families, new careers.  I can imagine hearing from them at holidays, birthdays, reunions.  I can be a visiting uncle – I’d be damn good at it too. I don’t want to imagine them gone, but I can.” He paused, determined to keep his gaze fixed – to keep Khan’s eyes locked on his. “Last night – last night, I knew. I fuckin’ knew with every molecule in me, that I couldn’t imagine that with you.  I couldn’t imagine you gone. It hurt to think about.  I don’t think I can have you gone.”

And Noonien couldn’t pull away from that stare if he wanted to – didn’t matter that he was stronger. So he didn’t pull away when he said, “Tell me, you love me, James.”

James’ voice was gone. Noonien stepped closer, arm’s reach, but not touching now. “Tell me. You love me.”

And hell if that wasn’t a challenge. And Kirk doesn’t back down from a challenge.  But he might draw it out a bit. “I haven’t told anyone that since I was a kid.”

“But your crew, your friends, know that you do by your actions.”

“And you, Noonien, what do you know? What do my actions tell you?”

“I know at the very least, I am your friend. And that is the very best that I could hope for. You are the best of my life, now.”

Kirk blushed, never able to take compliments well, “I - .”

“But it’s not the best I _can_ hope for. I see my people, James. And they are not mine anymore, not like they were. They have an autonomy, a freedom.  No, that’s not right.  We have an autonomy, a freedom that we’ve never had before.  Not just from those who….” He exhaled heavily. “They have autonomy from me and I from them that we’ve never experienced before. They can go and do as they please. They are… They don’t need me or my permission to do so.  They can want things now – they can have them, even if that thing is a life apart from – us.”

“Noonien, they do –“

“ _NO_! No, they don’t. They will always tell me things, they will always come to me for counsel, perhaps, but they do not need - .” Kirk watched helplessly as Khan’s eyes glistened, then wet, then overflowed. Khan caught it quickly with a finger and wiped it away. “They don’t need to anymore.”

“But you –“

“Let me finish, please. I didn’t realize until last night that I could too. I can want things – I can have them. I am allowed to allow myself, as they are.”

And now, it was Jim’s turn. He wouldn’t step away from this man again. He stepped to him, “Then tell me; tell me what it is that you want.”

“Tell me you love me, James.”

Jim Kirk closed the distance of the last few inches. He lay one hand and his friend’s forearm, swallowed hard, and slid the other up Khan’s arm to his neck letting the back of the Augment’s hair tickle the tips of his fingers. He looked into his eyes and spoke onto his lips. “I love you, Noonien. I love you.” When he felt the brush of Khan’s lips against his, it was all he could do not to crash into him. But there was more to say, “Now tell me you want me. Tell me that you’re allowed to have me.”

“James.” Khan put his hands on Kirk’s arms and tipped his forehead to touch. “We are enough –“

“Khan –“

“Hush! We are enough, but I don’t want enough. I don’t want to be finished. I want to know what more we can be – how far does this, do we go. I will say it, James. I want you. I want to have you. Let me have you.”

 **Have I told you I ache**  
**Have I told you I ache**  
**Have I told you I ache, for you**  
  
And he almost didn’t get the last words out because Jim pulled him in and kissed him hard; no finesse, just unbridled want – finally allowed. And Khan wanted just as much. Maybe more because he never had - not in this life anyway.  And the other? It was fading faster everyday.  He wrapped his arms around that which he had, and air was – unimportant all of the sudden. Except for the air between their lips – that slipped into one another’s mouth. And was followed by not so tentative tongues that stroked and licked behind teeth before finding its mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get all this way and I still didn't get to...You know. I really hope you all have enjoyed my first foray into fandom as a writer (I use that term loosely). I am honored just to hang around the likes of you. Stay tuned for part 3

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the background. It will earn its rating.


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